Move Over Berry, I Am The One!
My Nauseous Reaction to Obama's Acceptance Speech
August 29, 2008

The day after Barack Obama’s acceptance speech as the Democrat nominee for president, the media’s attention was diverted by John McCain, who cleverly announced his peculiar choice for running mate, Sarah Palin.  While the media did what it could to cover both stories dutifully, the reaction to Obama’s speech might have been slightly muted.  It was, however, one thing: Universally approved of.  Even conservative observers regarded it as “effective”, “impressive”, and even “historic”.

Barack Obama succeeded at convincing the 40 million viewers that he is ready to be president.  Why, even Oprah claims to have cried her eyelashes off!

But his speech was a success for everyone minus a single person – Me!  I found it to be creepy.  Move over Barack.  I have become, I guess, “The One”, the one who heard things that no one else has, apparently.

I listened to his speech on the radio, thus avoiding the spectacle of his multi-million dollar imitation of Pericles meets MLK.  This gave me better ears to catch the wannabe savior’s litany of emptiness.  And empty it was.  If ever there was a man who could fill a stadium with sweet nothingness, it is Barack.

Barack said, “…the American promise (one’s capacity to pursue his dreams?) has been threatened once more.”  Did you know that pursuing your dreams has been threatened?  When did this happen?  Threatened by who?  (Oh, I think we know.)

Barack said, “More of you have cars you can't afford to drive… credit card bills you can't afford to pay…”  Finally, a president who will pay my credit cards?  He really understands my need to purchase an IPhone.

Barack said, “These challenges are not all of government's making.”  Hey now, let’s not get carried away here, Pericles.  Oh wait, he didn’t.  Barack followed, “…the failure to respond is a direct result of… the failed policies of George W. Bush.”  Ok, let's sort this out.  President Bush isn’t responsible for my credit cards per se, but his failed policies led to, um, a failure to respond.  I get it.

But don’t worry; the wise one has proclaimed that we are a decent country!  For example, no longer will we let veterans sleep on the ground (why, I ran over one just today!)  Barack also said, “This country is more decent than one where a woman… finds herself one illness away from disaster.”  How indecent of America to allow woman to get sick and incur medical bills.

Barack then, ahem, compassionately explained that Senator McCain really does care about Americans.  But unfortunately, McCain believes that the middle class - Don’t forget, the middle class is the place where Democrats go after they die - is defined by someone earning less than five million dollars.  Well, before you conclude that Barack has cleverly nailed Senator McCain here, McCain does have a point.  I earn less than five million dollars, and I’m definitely in the middle class!

In a schizophrenic moment, Barack then points out the real meanie that McCain is.  He explains that his education plan doesn’t pay for people to go to college (ouch!).  His freebie health care handout would be “taxed” (woe!).  Worst of all, McCain would consider privatizing Socialism, oops, I mean, Social Security.  We simply can't have privatization when the government can do just as well.

But again, Barack affrims that McCain does indeed care.  He just doesn’t get that the America people want everything paid for, free and clear baby!

Barack went on to embarrass Republicans, calling them out on a dated and failed philosophy known as “ownership”.  Yes, that's right.  Ownership!  He said, “For over two decades, (McCain) subscribed to that old, discredited Republican philosophy… they call this the Ownership Society…”  Who knew?

Of course, foreign policy is critical in this election.  So Barack took the opportunity to convey his adeptness.  He explained, “…while Sen. McCain was turning his sights to Iraq just days after 9/11, I stood up and opposed this war…” 

You know, it must have taken a lot of courage for Barack to stand up in that Illinois state senate and oppose the Iraq war, while his Democrat colleagues in the US Congress were lining up to vote for it – that is, just days (nearly two years) after 9/11.

One wonders why Barack, with so much courage to be against the war, would later vote repeatedly to fund it.  Perhaps he viewed this as yet another “moral obligation”.

Oh, but there’s more.  The next Commander in Chief has advised us that, “…we must take out Osama bin Laden and his lieutenants if we have them in our sights.”  Listen up, Cowboy Bush!  There’s a new sheriff in town!

He continued, “You know, John McCain likes to say that he'll follow bin Laden to the Gates of Hell -- but he won't even go to the cave where he lives.”  Finally we’ll have a commander who not only knows the address of Bin Laden’s cave, but is willing to go in there and get him, unlike the wimpy McCain who has been known to vacation in secret Vietnam campgrounds.  One wonders why our military wasted time dropping daisy cutters over the hills of Pakistan, suffocating every living being when all we needed was for Obama to call Osama on his cell phone.

Barack also assured us that he is ready for a good stern debate with McCain about foreign policy.  Well, actually, not so much about policy.  He wants to debate judgment and temperament.  “If John McCain wants to have a debate about who has the temperament, and judgment, to serve as the next commander in chief, that's a debate I'm ready to have”, he proudly explained.  Policy?  Not so much.

Barack continued to clarify his insightful Iraq policy, a policy that has been nuanced accordingly with the complex situation on the ground.  Let’s review.  When times were extra tough and Al Qaeda had more of a footing, Barack felt it was a good time for an immediate withdrawal.  That’s right; he was one of the few who insisted upon an immediate end to the war when it was uniquely dumb to do so.  He (and Biden) then opposed McCain’s surge plan and insisted upon a rapid 9 month withdrawal schedule.  But later he shifted this to 16 months.  But don't fear, in this historic speech he offered us the real meat and potatoes of his Iraq vision.  He now simply explains that he wants to end the war “responsibly”, that would be, as opposed to his prior irresponsible position.

Barack is also quite quite leery of tax breaks for corporations.  “…I will stop giving tax breaks to corporations that ship jobs overseas…”  Did you know that we give tax breaks to companies for shipping jobs over seas?  You didn't?  Oh, that’s right.  Maybe because WE DON'T!  But none the less, Barack believes that confiscating more of a company’s profit will encourage them to pay higher wages right here in America.  Nice.

He admits that his grand visions will be costly.  “Now, many of these plans will cost money”, he explains.  (Many of them?  Perhaps he meant “all” of them?)   But don’t worry; he’s got it covered by “closing corporate loopholes and tax havens…”

Barack also has a tender heart for children.  He explained, “Now is the time to finally meet our moral obligation to provide every child a world-class education…”  I can see it now, “The Barack Obama World Class Elementary School of Moral Obligations.”

Don’t forget about his care for woman.  He has assured us that woman will finally get an equal pay for an equal day’s work.  So be sure to tell your boss.  She will be giddy!

To conclude, Barack’s speech revealed the man that gave it.  He’s nothing more than a bloated marshmallow.  To quote his Emptiness himself, “Tonight, I say to the people of America… enough!”

Indeed, enough.